So tired...

The lack of sleep is starting to really affect me. If you call me after 7 at night, you might think I am drunk, but have no fear, I am just in some weird sleep deprivation state and it causes me to slur my words. It also causes me to forget when I schedule dr. appointments, not buy 1/2 the stuff I need at the grocery store, call my children by random names and spell simple words very wrong. It sucks. Ms. Ella must know that I was about to pass out standing up if I didn't get more sleep and she slept great last night, so I am a little more rested today, but still, I feel like I live my life in a fog now. A fog of sleepiness.
You might wonder why I don't make Mike get up for the middle of the night feedings, Ella is formula fed so it isn't like she needs me to be the one feeding her. It's actually really simple why I get up, I love it. I love the moments we have at night when all is quiet and it's just me and her and a silly TV show. She is warm and snuggly and eats slow and takes time to smile and hold my pinky in her little hand. It is a magical time that I look forward to every day. It is the only time in my day where nothing matters but me and my baby. No Blackberry buzzing, no stress of owning a business, no 6 and 3 year old tattling on each other, just a little baby who needs me for everything and doesn't even realize how wonderful that makes me feel. We watch shows like 16 and Pregnant and I tell her that boys are bad news and I cry each time the babies are born because it reminds me of how wonderful having (not carrying, having) a baby is. We watch Project Runway and her and I critique the outfits. We watch the stupidest shows I can find and I give her my running commentary on what's happening and she eats her bottle and burps and lets out gas like a trucker but I know this is her way of telling me she likes our special time too. I won't lie, every 5th night or so I roll over and ask Mike to take the feeding because I need to get some solid sleep or I might turn into the wicked witch of the west but I miss her those nights.

My lack of sleep has become a problem for my memory. Nothing I learn, see or hear is forgotten. It's stored up in my little brain for life. Sucks if you're Mike and want me to forget that time you didn't get me a card on my birthday and I was pregnant and turning 30 and on bed rest and miserable, but most of the time my ability to recall such things as my dad's work number 10 years ago is a good thing. UNTIL I woke up one day and couldn't remember anything. That state department that will be handling Ella's therapy and care plan? No idea what the DDD's stand for. Her next Dr. appt? Thought it was last Tuesday. It wasn't. Remembering to buy lunch stuff for the kids. Whoops, looks like hot lunch for you Ryan. It's like I am living the life of a pothead without the pot and munchies (oh, wait, I have the munchies, but it has nothing to do with smoking illegal substances and everything to do with my addiction to frosted flakes and Milano cookies). I hate not being able to remember anything! I am worried my skills in Trivial Pursuit will be affected and I might not pick the kids up from school one day. I start to worry that maybe this has nothing to do with my lack of sleep and has everything to do with turning 30 and getting older. I don't want to give up my magic nights with Ms. Ella so I guess I won't know if it is lack of sleep or my advanced age for a while longer.

I had mentioned in my last post that Ella's 2 month dr. appt. was this week. It isn't, it's next week. I am so nervous for the appointment. She should of gained a fair amount of weight, but her amount per feeding hasn't really increased so I am worried that she hasn't gained enough.  I am also driving myself crazy by finding developmental milestone charts and watching Ella's every move to see if she is getting to the milestones.  I was so excited to come across a milestone chart for infants with Down syndrome, but honestly, it was pointless.  For each milestone it gives a range of almost a year for the time to reach the milestone.  I was hoping there was some more solid facts on when she might start holding her head up or cooing, but nope, it could be anywhere from now to a year old.  It helped me remember that Ella is Ella and will do everything in her own time.